Gratitude for Cockroaches

Gratitude we're told is something we should practice in our lives.  It's healthy.  It changes our brains, our quality of sleep, even our immune systems.  And gratitude not only for the good things that come our way, but for the bad things, too.  Like cockroaches.  What?

I hate washing dishes.  Whenever I'm staring down a sinkful of dirty pans, a voice in my head says I'm better than this.  I was not born to wash dishes.  I was meant to have staff.  Or at least an electric dishwasher.  My true destiny was to be wealthy and successful, but my life took a wrong turn somewhere.

Along with this innate resistance, throw in depression, laziness, and procrastination, and you've got yourself an open invitation for a roach infestation.

Which is exactly what happened.

Not wanting to use poisons, I decided to starve 'em out.  That meant no dirty dishes left lying around.  Not even for a few minutes.  No more sneaking off to bed with a promise that I'd wash them in the morning.  There was no such thing as later.

I wasn't sure if I could do it, such is my hatred of dishwashing.  But I did it.

And I discovered that keeping the sink clean at all times was actually less stressful.  Instead of facing an entire sinkful to wash, it was only two or three things at a time.  No longer did I dread facing a pile of gross, crusty plates, pots, and gadgets in my sink. 

The roaches went away.  I'm grateful that they left, but I'm also grateful that they came.

Leila Janah

Woke up today.  Shook off the cobwebs.  Shuffled to the computer.  Read the news.

Saw a headline about a 37-year old entrepreneur who died.  Something urged me to click on it.

It ruined my day, but in a profound way.

Leila Janah was a beautiful woman, inside and out.  She dedicated her short time on Earth to lifting up the poor, disadvantaged, forgotten.  She started nonprofit companies to train and employ some of the most impoverished people in Africa in AI.

Leila was in the midst of planning her wedding when something didn't feel right.  The first doctor said nothing to worry about.  But she sensed otherwise.  She said it felt "ominous."  So she went for a second opinion.  She was right.  It was rare and awful.

Leila was public about her ordeal.  Always positive, optimistic, full of gratitude.  When she was given access to a new drug to treat her condition, she was over the moon.  She never lost hope.

Leila died on January 24.

I never heard of Leila until today.  Until her obituary randomly popped up in my newsfeed.

I never knew her.  But I will never forget her.

Here is her last Facebook post.

A quick update! It has been a trying few months in and out of Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center with different types of chemo and a chest drain (!). But I have never felt so loved, fortunate, or cherished. My beloved @tassilo_f and our team of doctors, nurses, family and friends have prescribed, cooked, cuddled, FaceTimed, sung, visited, and scrabbled me into as happy a state as possible given the circumstances! I celebrated 37 last month with a “00” on the cake, a symbol of the fresh take on the world this cancer has given me. One thing I realized is how philosophically important my work has been in my life, but how obsessed I was with controlling every detail. In my recovery, I’ve had to change my relationship to work and accept not being able to step into everything. As a founder it is a tremendous relief to have the best leaders and coworkers I could ask for— soon we will share some exciting news on the Samasource front, and the LXMI team is about to launch a new product. It brings me such joy to see these teams flourish, to see our vision take root and flower. Epithelioid sarcoma is a rare, strange beast. As it moves through my body I’m trying to understand what it could possibly teach me. My biggest lesson is awe: I’m awe-struck by the complexity of human biology, and equally by the almost mystical power of human connection and love flowing my way. Thank you all for your support and care ❤️🙏🏽 #sarcoma #epithelioidsarcoma #cancer#cancerfighter #msk #mskcc

  

Timeless Truths

There are timeless truths which transcend culture, religion, language, distance, and are immune to centuries of change.  I recently discovered one while reading Essays in Idleness by Kenko, a 13th century Japanese Buddhist monk. 

One of my biggest and most persistent stressors is the feeling that I'm overwhelmed with projects and responsibilities and will never catch up.  As soon as I cross one thing off my to-do list, two more things appear.  Many a night I lie awake worrying about all the tasks waiting for me to complete.  And when I fantasize about traveling to somewhere on my bucket list, the dream is quickly dismissed.  I can't go now, there's too much to do. 

Weren't answering machines and fax machines and computers and laptops and cell phones supposed to make our lives easier?  Wasn't that the promise when they were selling us all that crap?  They lied.  Because I'm way busier with much less leisure time than before. 

So maybe my plight is the fault of the time we live in.  Maybe it's a 21st century, first-world problem.  

Nope.  Apparently there is nothing new about this phenomenon, because Kenko knew all about it.  The Buddhist monk.  In Japan.  In the 13th century.  

"A man who has determined to take the Great Step should leave unresolved all plans for disposing of urgent or worrisome business.  Some men think, 'I'll wait a bit longer, until I take care of this matter,' or 'I might as well dispose of that business first,' or "I'll wait till that matter is cleared up.  I mustn't be hasty.'  But if you think in such terms, the day for taking the Great Step will never come, for you will keep discovering more and more unavoidable problems, and there will never be a time when you run out of unfinished business."

Everything has changed, and nothing has changed.

Do typos matter anymore?

It's 2020, and my question today is:  does anyone care about typos?

Typographical errors used to be a Big Deal.  Absolute no-nos.  If an official document was sent out with a typo...gasp!  Someone's job could be on the line.  Even slip-ups in punctuation were taken seriously.  Companies employed editors and proofreaders whose full-time job was to ensure there were no mistakes in printed matter.  It seems they are now relics of a bygone era.

With the advent of speed texting, lazy acronyms (icymi), deliberately misspelled words (Lyft), flagrantly incorrect parts of speech (woke), and the shortcomings of spellcheck programs, typos are no longer seen as a big deal.  They are the collateral damage of working on the fly, cranking out missives asap off mobile devices, in a country where we spend trillions on defense while teaching our kids in trailers.  But I digress...

A company I freelance for uses collaborative writing, where staffers all over the globe with the right link can dive into a document on a shared drive and edit away.  There's no one at the end of the process to ensure that the final hack job is typo-free.  And out it goes, into wide circulation.

It doesn't seem to faze the mostly under-40 management.  Shoulder shrug, oops, oh well.  Sometimes even a glare, as if I'm being a little anal retentive.  SMH.

I'm baaack

After a 3-year break, I've decided to write again on this blog.

Where those 3 years went is a mystery.  What I accomplished or learned, if anything, is not evident.

All I know is, I find myself with more to say now.  More questions.  More observations.  More complaints.  More gratitude.  More longing to say what's on my mind.

I'm 3 years older now, and there are more changes.  More transitions.  More adjustments, as I feel myself being ever-so-gradually nudged to the sideline of mainstream.

I've been feeling constipated from all of it, so I resurrected this digital journal as a form of expression.  Even if it's shared with no one, the writing offers a relief, a release, of persistent thoughts.

Only to make room for more.